Quentin Tarantino's Ranma 1/2
by Stefan Twoflower Gagne
Summary: Map the plot structure of Pulp Fiction to the characters and style of Ranma 1/2. It actually works better than you'd expect... and yes, it's PG.


Quentin Tarantino's RANMA 1/2  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own strangely glowing suitcase to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Author's foreword.  
  
There are times when a man must really kick himself in the  
ass for doing something completely stupid, and this is one of  
those times. For all intents and purposes, this SCREAMS out to  
be titled PULP FANFICTION. Being the non-forward thinker I am, I  
already named a story that, which had considerably less to do  
with QT's neat little piece of work than this beast does.  
  
So, what do I call this thing? Pulp Fanfiction II? Son of  
Pulp Fanfiction? Pulp Fanfiction95? Yuck. So, I had to settle  
for a rip on SNL's joke sketch title, 'Quentin Tarantino's  
WELCOME BACK KOTTER'. Close enough, I suppose.  
  
I've inserted some QTisms such as meaningfully philosophical  
dialogue and maybe a curse word or two, but cut out, well, most  
of the death and found truly silly workarounds for them. Your  
guess is as good as mine about how we get around a guy with no  
head in really bloody car; guess you'll have to read to find out.  
  
Commentary is always appreciated at the usual addy,  
twoflowr@glue.umd.edu. And check out DahlingMUCK while you're at  
it, ..., where I play one of the characters from this story :)  
  
&  
  
[Scene : Early morning, in the Nekohanten cafe. Two patrons, one  
a suave, well-polished young man and the other a kawaii, perhaps  
overly teenaged girl whose eyes seem to reflect every light in  
the room, are talking.]  
  
MIKADO : You know, Azusa, life just hasn't been the same since  
that incident with that Saotome boy.  
  
AZUSA : [playing with her empty coffee cup, which she has named  
Josephine] Hmm?  
  
MIKADO : I mean, we're getting less challenges. Before, sure,  
we were the undefeated rulers of the ice, but that one  
lousy defeat and our reputation's been shot... why,  
some of my female fans have even started taking a  
liking to Saotome! Not many, of course, I mean, I  
still have legions, but...  
  
AZUSA : Those strange boys who follow me around and say weird  
things like wanting to marry me haven't bugged me much  
lately, which makes kawaii widdle Azusa-chan happy, but  
I wonder what they're doing!  
  
MIKADO : [grumbles] Probably they're after my beloved pig-  
tailed girl. Ahh, her beauty shines through my memory  
like a Mag-light through the fog...  
  
AZUSA : You have a flashlight? Azusa-chan wants it! Gimmie!  
  
MIKADO : No, you ditz, I don't! [Mikado pulls away from Azusa's  
outstretched, grasping arms] It was a metaphor!   
[sighs] We need to start to work on our reputations  
again. Find some martial artists locally and defeat  
them. Then maybe my fan club will be back to having a  
three year waiting list to join...  
  
AZUSA : Ano, where are we going to find martial artists?  
  
MIKADO : We could go straight to their school and issue a  
challenge... but we want to start small, not get  
flooded. I heard that every male in that place was  
willing to fight each day for some girl awhile back.   
That's out.  
  
AZUSA : Let's go advertise in the paper! Kawaii Azusa-chan  
loves the comics! Hee hee!  
  
MIKADO : Bleah. Takes too long. And it looks like we're  
begging. We need to find martial artists on a short-  
term time scale, and a personal basis, to request  
permission of combat in a familiar surrounding.  
  
AZUSA : [blinkies] Ano... what do those big words mean?  
  
MIKADO : [buries his face in his hands] I MEAN, just find one  
and fight them!  
  
AZUSA : Ano, where are we going to find martial artists?  
  
MIKADO : [frustrated] Nerima's crawling with them! It's not  
like Kolkhoz, where the best we can manage are some  
skaters who have seen a Karate Kid film dubbed. I bet  
there are a few... well... right here in this  
restaurant. Hmm.  
  
AZUSA : Wow, you're so smart, San-chan! I didn't know martial  
artists hung out in restaurants!  
  
MIKADO : They've got to eat SOMETIMES, just like we are.   
Although this breakfast okonomiyaki isn't cutting it  
for me. I bet if we issued a challenge RIGHT NOW, we  
could be on the road to victory!  
  
AZUSA : Waiwai! Right NOW, San-chan?  
  
MIKADO : I'm game. I do my fightin' after breakfast.  
  
AZUSA : Hee hee! Gambatta ne, San-chan!  
  
MIKADO : Gambatta ne, Azusa-chan. [hops up onto his seat]   
Alright, everybody be cool, this is a challenge!  
  
AZUSA : Any martial artists in here try to make a break for it  
without facing us, and I'll get really unhappy!!!  
  
[Credits sequence, wild chinese music]  
  
QUENTIN TARANTINO in association with SHONEN SUNDAY present  
  
QUENTIN TARANTINO'S RANMA 1/2  
  
[Fade into a scene of RYOUGA HIBIKI and MOUSSE walking along a  
Neriman street. They are deep into a conversation.]  
  
MOUSSE : ...so tell me again about the movies.  
  
RYOUGA : Okay. They have this rating system, where things go  
from G, to PG, to PG-13 meaning you gotta be 13 or  
something, to R, to NC-17 meaning you gotta be 17 or  
something.  
  
MOUSSE : So... if you're between 13 and 17 years, you can only  
see R-films?  
  
RYOUGA : Basically. Which is good, because all the good combat  
movies are R. They're really big into action movies in  
Washington. Although I went into this one really big  
theater, and all they were showing was this sort of  
underwater film. I was waiting for the frogmen to  
break out knives, but they never did.  
  
MOUSSE : Why'd you go there, then?  
  
RYOUGA : Well, it WAS playing on a five story high screen. And  
I heard some guy named 'Sting' made some aspect of the  
movie, and that sounded like an action hero name.  
  
MOUSSE : YOW! Think what an anime would look like that big!  
  
RYOUGA : Pretty good, I can tell you. Hey, you know what they  
call Usagi on American television?  
  
MOUSSE : No, what?  
  
RYOUGA : 'Serena'.  
  
MOUSSE : UGH. No rabbit joke? What's the point?  
  
RYOUGA : Mousse, they speak English there. They wouldn't know  
what the hell a 'Usagi' was.  
  
MOUSSE : But you saw Dragonball, right?  
  
RYOUGA : Yeah. It seemed pretty much on the money. The names  
hadn't changed.  
  
MOUSSE : So what's the dub of Bubblegum Crisis like?  
  
RYOUGA : I don't know, I didn't get any videos. I was only...  
ah, passing through the city for a few days. On my way  
here.  
  
MOUSSE : Uh-huh. We believe you. Hey, did you see a film while  
you were there, called 'The Lost Boys'?  
  
RYOUGA : Hey, I do NOT get lost!  
  
MOUSSE : That's not what Nabiki told me.  
  
RYOUGA : Eh? Happousai's new assistant?  
  
MOUSSE : The same. Hey, did you hear? Supposedly, Happousai  
threw Soun Tendo out of a second story window. Soun's  
been out of it for a day and a half, babbling  
incoherently about flying for very short periods of  
time.  
  
RYOUGA : You're kidding me! Why?  
  
MOUSSE : He grounded Nabiki.  
  
[Ryouga pauses.]  
  
RYOUGA : Wait a minute. A grounding? Happy tossed Tendo-san  
out a window for that?  
  
MOUSSE : Hey, you mess up the man's assistant's timetable, you  
pay the price.  
  
RYOUGA : Pretty steep price tag. A simple scolding would've  
done. Happy knows how to do those to perfection.  
  
MOUSSE : Play with fire, you get burned.  
  
RYOUGA : It was just a GROUNDING. There wasn't a fire. There  
wasn't even a scout rubbing two sticks together. That  
ain't right at all. I can see grounding Nabiki,  
anyway, she has been doing some shady things for Happy.  
  
MOUSSE : Oh? You'd ground Nabiki?  
  
RYOUGA : Well, if I was her father, yeah. I'd ground any child  
of mine who was doing those things.  
  
MOUSSE : [looms over Ryouga, hands going into his sleeves for  
weapons] And would you ground me, too?  
  
RYOUGA : [pauses. Resumes walking] Urusai.  
  
MOUSSE : [laughs] Hey, I've been a naughty boy...  
  
RYOUGA : URUSAI! Can it!  
  
MOUSSE : Downright menace to society...  
  
RYOUGA : [pauses in his walk] Don't pull this on me, Mousse.   
It's starting to irk. Is this the place?  
  
MOUSSE : [looks up at the suburban house] Yep.  
  
RYOUGA : How many are up there?  
  
MOUSSE : I dunno, the guy doesn't have many friends. Three,  
four, tops.  
  
RYOUGA : Three or four? Jeez. We ought to have swords or  
something. Come on, let's get in character.  
  
[Cut to them standing outside the door]  
  
MOUSSE : His mom was nice enough to let us in. I don't think  
she had a clue why we were here. What time is it?  
  
RYOUGA : Six AM.  
  
MOUSSE : Well, we can wait a few minutes. Let's hang back a  
bit.  
  
RYOUGA : By the way, did I mention that Happousai asked me to  
take care of Nabiki while he was out on tonight's panty  
raid?  
  
MOUSSE : [blinks] Take care, as in...?  
  
RYOUGA : No, you baka! He means take care of as in give her a  
night on the town. She's been working hard, balancing  
his books and all, and deserves a little reward.  
  
MOUSSE : Why you? I thought Kunou was her main squeeze.  
  
RYOUGA : Ehhh, Mariko snagged Kunou for a date with some arcane  
chinese mystical object. You know how it is.  
  
MOUSSE : [laughs] Do tell. But hey, that's the boss's  
assistant. We may just be occasional goons for rent to  
him, but she works full time... if you mess with her--  
  
RYOUGA : Urusai! I would do no such thing! Akane-san means the  
world to me. So, I'll take her sister to some non-  
threatening place, suffer through a night of economics  
lessons, and leave. End of story.  
  
MOUSSE : Whatever. Just remember what he did to Soun. Think  
it's time?  
  
RYOUGA : About. Make sure you've got your glasses down, I don't  
want you talking to statues again.  
  
MOUSSE : I do NOT talk to statues.  
  
RYOUGA : [looks at Mousse, who isn't facing him] I stand  
corrected. You talk to potted plants.  
  
MOUSSE : Can we just get this over with, please? I gotta open  
Nekohanten soon.  
  
[Ryouga nods, and knocks.]  
  
[HIROSHI opens the door slowly. Mousse enters first, followed by  
Ryouga. The other boy in the room, HIKARU GOSUNKUGI, the 'ring  
leader' of this weak ring, goes pale. Paler.]  
  
MOUSSE : Hello! Are we interrupting anything?  
  
GOSUN. : Uh... no... just... breakfast?  
  
MOUSSE : Ah! First meal of the day. Good way to take care of  
your health! Always eat right. What're you having?  
  
GOSUN. : C-Cold okonomiyaki, sir.  
  
MOUSSE : Wow! Hey, Ryouga, he's got okonomiyaki! Mind if I  
have some, Gos?  
  
[Gos shrugs, as if to say, 'eat up and please don't hurt me.'   
Ryouga wanders around the room, looking for something, while  
Mousse takes a bite.]  
  
MOUSSE : Boy, that IS tasty. For Japanese food. You just can't  
beat Chinese, though. Remember, always eat at  
Nekohanten. Best food in the market. Got that?  
  
GOSUN. : Y-Yes, sir!!  
  
[Hiroshi perks up, mistaking this for a friendly atmosphere.]  
  
HIRO. : The waitress is pretty kawaii, too!  
  
[Mousse, in a blinding flash, knocks Hiroshi senseless.]  
  
MOUSSE : BAKA! Don't say that about my Shampoo! [pauses] He's  
got a point. She's the kindest, most beautiful, lovely  
creature in the...  
  
[Ryouga clears his throat. Mousse stops, and resumes  
intimidation.]  
  
MOUSSE : You do realize why we're here, right? You have a  
certain item that belongs to a certain someone who's  
paying us quite nicely to get it back for him.  
  
GOSUN. : It's under the--  
  
MOUSSE : [leaning forward, raising voice] I DON'T recall asking  
you where it was yet! Let's stay on the immediate  
topic and not jump ahead, comprendo!? NOW. Where is  
it?  
  
GOSUN. : [freaked] Under the bed!!  
  
[Ryouga nods, and pulls a bundle out from under the bed. He  
unwraps it, and a brief glimmering reflection is seen in his  
eyes.]  
  
MOUSSE : Is that it, Ryouga?  
  
RYOUGA : [pauses to stare longer, gaping, and closes it up]   
Yeah. It's it.  
  
MOUSSE : Good. Now, Gosunkugi, maybe you'll think twice before  
ripping off your good friend Happousai again. You DO  
remember Happousai, right?  
  
GOSUN. : N-Nani?  
  
MOUSSE : You know, HAPPY. Describe Happy to me so I know you  
remember!  
  
GOSUN. : Nani?!  
  
MOUSSE : [pulls a wicked looking multibladed weapon out of his  
sleeve] Say 'Nani?' one more time. I DARE you, man.   
Now. What does Happousai LOOK like?!!  
  
GOSUN. : He's... he's short...  
  
MOUSSE : And?  
  
GOSUN. : He's bald!  
  
MOUSSE : Does he look like a... a... watermelon?  
  
GOSUN. : Nani?!!?  
  
[Mousse whips out a mechanical duck toy, which repeatedly  
bapbapbaps Gosunkugi's head around. He tosses it aside to  
confront the now completely scared Hikaru Gosunkugi. Ryouga just  
looks confused, but recognizes his cue and stands next to  
Mousse.]  
  
MOUSSE : [readies a club weapon] Have you ever read 'The Book  
of Chinese Amazon Law', Hikaru? It's a great read, if  
you know the language. Let me translate a quick  
passage for you, Conditioner 25:17... "The path of the  
strong Amazon is blocked on all sides by those weaker,  
hoping to destroy your virtue, spirit and body.   
Blessed is the Amazon that can overcome these  
adversaries for others who cannot, and we shall strike  
down with no mercy upon those who would attack those  
who cannot attack back... and you will KNOW we are  
Amazons, when we lay our vengeance upon thee..."  
  
GOSUN. : AAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHH!!!  
  
[Ryouga and Mousse pounce, swinging umbrellas and potty training  
devices, and Gosunkugi assumes Little Takahashi Devil Pose #35.]  
  
RYOUGA : [looking quizzically at Mousse] A watermelon?  
  
MOUSSE : Sorry. I ran out of one-liners.  
  
*  
  
[TITLE CARD : Ryouga Hibiki & the Master's Assistant]  
  
[Shot : RANMA SAOTOME, local combat veteran. An offscreen voice,  
whiny and old, is speaking.]  
  
HAPPO. : Now, let's be honest, Ranma m'boy. Martial arts is a  
fine career for a young lad. But you, you're getting  
older every day... heck, eventually you'll end as old  
as me. And after awhile those skills only go so far.   
You need to save yourself up! Keep you strength for  
when you really need it, not for when you want to show  
off. So, I think you'll find that this'll work out in  
the end of everybody involved. Besides, how else are  
you going to get the money for Akane-chan's birthday  
present? Ha ha ha!  
  
[Ranma grits his teeth to the point of needing dentures. He's  
clearly unhappy with this whole situation. A tiny hand passes  
him a thick wad of yen.]  
  
HAPPO. : Remember, boy. Two minutes into the challenge fight  
with Kunou, you go down. Use any reason you want.   
Repeat it : Two minutes in, you go down.  
  
RANMA : [gritting] Two minutes in, you go down.  
  
HAPPO. : No, YOU. I. I mean you meaning I. Don't get smart  
with me, boy.  
  
RANMA : You know what I mean, Jiji. Can I go now?  
  
HAPPO. : Go spread joy, Ranma. See you after the fight.  
  
[In the background, Ryouga and Mousse enter, wearing highly  
androgynous (but leaning towards female) clothes. Ryouga is  
grumbling and adjusting his tights.]  
  
[Ranma walks out, and glares nastily at Ryouga, pausing.]  
  
RANMA : Nice outfit, P-Chan.  
  
RYOUGA : Who you callin' P-Chan?!  
  
HAPPO. : Is that the voice of my good friend Ryouga-kun?   
RYOUGA! Get over here and give your poor old  
occasionally-sensei a hug!  
  
[Ranma grumbles, realizing this is a bad time to trounce Ryouga  
properly, and exits.]  
  
[Scene cut to the Tendo family room, late at night. Ryouga has  
arrived after a few hours of wandering around Tokyo trying to  
find the room he was right next to. He's carrying a few flowers,  
wilted horribly from the lengthy trip, figuring it was just the  
sort of thing you needed for dates, even pretend ones.]  
  
NABIKI : [calls from upstairs] Ryouga, that you?  
  
RYOUGA : Uh, yeah! Umm. Um. Is Akane-san up there?  
  
RYOUGA (Voiceover) : She can't catch me dating her sister!   
It'd be a disaster!  
  
NABIKI : No, everybody's gone for the evening. I'll be down in  
a minute, I need to change.  
  
[Ryouga nods mostly to himself, and shuffles around the living  
room nervously. Clearly he's only doing this to appease the old  
man, and needs to relax a little. Fortunately, he has one escape  
route if Akane happens to spot him...]  
  
[\begin{flashback}]  
  
HAPPO. : I'm glad you voiced your concerns, Ryouga-kun. As  
usual, your benefactor Happy is only Happy to provide.  
  
RYOUGA : Thank you, sensei. If she caught me, I wouldn't know  
what to say...  
  
HAPPO. : Well, with this, you won't have to say anything.   
[hands a flask of chinese design to Ryouga] It's a  
speed potion, m'boy. You can outrun any dangers or  
undesired gazes with it. Of course, it would upset  
Nabiki-chan a great deal if you were to run out on this  
little evening I've so carefully arranged for her. So  
consider it a last resort panic option only. Got it?  
  
[\end{flashback}]  
  
[Upstairs, we see NABIKI TENDO changing. Well, no, we see a low  
camera angle and a shadow or three... eventually she clicks on  
the light, out of frame, and a hand reaches in frame to pick up  
the can of Jolt she's been drinking from. She sets it down, a  
resonant TING of aluminum on table indicating it's empty.]  
  
NABIKI : Ahhh. Okay, Ryouga-kun, all set...  
  
[Cut back to Ryouga, looking up the stairs, at Nabiki sauntering  
down them wearing something similar to her outfit in Movie #2,  
only a bit more modest. Any added modesty has little effect on  
Ryouga, whose ability to talk around women rivals most hermits'.]  
  
RYOUGA : Ahhh... um... er...  
  
NABIKI : Sorry to put you through this, but I've been working  
for awhile on this tax audit rebuttal for Happy, and  
NEED a good night out. You understand, right?  
  
RYOUGA : Uhhh...  
  
NABIKI : Anyway, I figure a little dinner, a little dancing,  
maybe a quick... guided stroll through the park, and we  
go home. Just a whiff of night air to calm the nerves.   
Right?  
  
RYOUGA : ...  
  
NABIKI : [sighs] Just smile and nod your head, Ryouga.  
  
[Ryouga smiles and nods his head.]  
  
[Nabiki leads him through Tokyo, eventually coming to a rest at  
MADOKA'S ABCB ANIME CAFE. She leads him inside, past posters  
advertising AKIRA, GUNNM, BUBBGLEGUM CRISIS, VAMPIRE HUNTER MIYU  
and AA! MEGAMI-SAMA. There's a large stage, where a crew of  
Goddess Family Club impersonators is singing a song about Banpei-  
kun. Eventually they sit in a fake version of the Mach-5 and a  
waitress dressed up like A-KO approaches them.]  
  
A-KO : Konbawa. Welcome to Madoka's. What'll it be?  
  
[Ryouga has calmed down a lot by this point, managing to do it by  
not straying his eyes below Nabiki's neckline. Therefore, he is  
able to control his vocal cords and order.]  
  
RYOUGA : Oh, I'll just have some Godai-style Instant Gourmet  
Ramen.  
  
A-KO : With extra MSG or too much salt?  
  
RYOUGA : Too much salt, please.  
  
NABIKI : I'll have some ramen too, and a Jolt.  
  
[A-Ko nods, and wanders off.]  
  
NABIKI : Posh place. I can't recognize half the characters in  
here. Why are there two Rallys?  
  
RYOUGA : Oh, one's from Riding Bean, the other's from Gun Smith  
Cats. You can tell by the hair color.  
  
NABIKI : How'd you hear about this place?  
  
RYOUGA : I was, um, wandering through the neighborhood and a few  
otaku bought me some food when I did my Jinnai  
impersonation.  
  
[Nabiki nods, and waits for a reply from Ryouga. Ryouga waits  
for a reply from Nabiki. They end up waiting awhile. Nabiki  
breaks the silence.]  
  
NABIKI : So, I hear you were recently in America.  
  
RYOUGA : Passing through, really.  
  
NABIKI : So, what's it like? Did you get to see Wall Street?  
  
RYOUGA : Uh, no. I didn't get into many theaters.  
  
NABIKI : Not the movie, I mean the place...  
  
RYOUGA : Oh. No, not really. Then again, all those streets  
looked basically alike. It was kind of like Tokyo.   
Only dirtier. And with more street crime. And a bit  
smellier.  
  
NABIKI : In other words, it wasn't like Tokyo at all.  
  
RYOUGA : Uh-huh.  
  
[Silence ensues again. Ryouga twiddles his fingers, looking  
away. Nabiki just rolls her eyes, and sighs.]  
  
NABIKI : I hate that.  
  
RYOUGA : Um, nani?  
  
NABIKI : Uncomfortable silences. It's been too quiet these last  
few nights, I need some interactive-type noise other  
than computer keys clicking. Say something.  
  
RYOUGA : Something?  
  
NABIKI : Good. Say something else now.  
  
RYOUGA : Well, what do you mean, interactive-type noise?  
  
NABIKI : [sighs] I've been up for 89 hours working on  
Happousai's tax returns. It's grueling, solitary work.   
I've been basically living off caffeine.  
  
RYOUGA : [gapes] That's awful!  
  
NABIKI : Yeah, well, you get used to it. I'm fine. Daddy  
insists I need my rest, though.  
  
RYOUGA : Oh! So it's true that he grounded you?  
  
NABIKI : [pauses] What?  
  
RYOUGA : Well, um... [falters]  
  
NABIKI : No, really, what?  
  
RYOUGA : It's... just a rumor I heard. That he grounded you and  
Happousai got mad, and tossed him out the window.  
  
NABIKI : [contemplates this] Who told you that?  
  
RYOUGA : Oh, I just sort of heard it...  
  
NABIKI : To tell the truth, I have no idea why Happy threw  
Otousan out the window. The old letch is just funny  
that way, I guess. I'm just glad he's paying me for  
this. Hmm. I gotta go freshen up. Keep my seat,  
alright?  
  
[Ryouga nods, and Nabiki heads off to the ladies room. She  
sneaks into a stall, and slips a flask of Jolt out of her  
purse... she takes a long sip, and starts to stop, but figures  
'what the hell' and chugs the rest of it. The dark circles under  
her eyes seem to vanish.]  
  
NABIKI : WHOOOOO!!! [blinks, realizing she just yelled]  
  
[Nabiki regains her composure, and wanders out to find her ramen  
ready.]  
  
NABIKI : Great! I LOVE having my food ready when I return from  
the bathroom.  
  
[She notices Ryouga is picking at his food halfheartedly]  
  
NABIKI : [sighs] You're not very comfortable, are you?  
  
RYOUGA : What? No! No! I'm having a great time! Honest!  
  
NABIKI : Ryouga-kun... it's okay. I shouldn't have demanded  
that Happy provide me an escort... I was just mad at  
Kunou-chan, that's all... sorry to get you all  
uptight...  
  
RYOUGA : No, no. Nabiki-san, don't worry, I'll be fine. I  
mean, good ramen, good conversation, good... well, a  
very animated atmosphere... this is great stuff for a  
loner like me! Beats hunting and foraging in the  
forest.  
  
[Nabiki smiles slightly, glad to hear this. Also glad to see  
Ryouga calming down a bit.]  
  
NABIKI : Great. Well, let's enjoy this overly priced ramen,  
then, and make the most of the evening.  
  
[The lights dim, and an KASUGA KYOSUKE-lookalike takes the main  
stage, a spotlight hitting him.]  
  
KYOSUKE : Thank you, thank you! The staff of Madoka's ABCB Anime  
Cafe welcome you to our Karaoke Contest Night. Where  
the elite meet to sing the finest in anime music...  
  
RYOUGA : Ugh, karaoke. Nothing like listening to businessmen  
wail out the tones of old Maison Ikkoku songs.  
  
NABIKI : [smiling] I want to sing. C'mon, let's do a duet.  
  
RYOUGA : N... NANI? Sing? Me? I can't sing!  
  
NABIKI : Well, have you ever tried?  
  
RYOUGA : Umm, no...  
  
NABIKI : Well, I want to sing a duet. It'll be fun.  
  
[Nabiki half drags Ryouga on stage...]  
  
[Fade to black. Time passes.]  
  
[Ryouga and Nabiki stumble back into the Tendo Dojo, laughing all  
the way. Ryouga is striking cheesy poses and wailing the lyrics  
to 'My Boyfriend's a Pilot'... Nabiki, a bit more erratic than  
him, is clapping along and cheering.]  
  
RYOUGA : I swear, that was the most embarrassing thing I've ever  
done.  
  
NABIKI : Yeah. Fun, though!  
  
[Ryouga does a little spin, and grabs Nabiki, dipping her low in  
a dramatic finale.]  
  
[Whatever illusions of goodhearted silliness there were are  
ripped away by this rather awkward moment.]  
  
NABIKI : Um.  
  
RYOUGA : [resisting the urge to blush, helps Nabiki back to her  
feet] I'll just, um... use the bathroom.  
  
[Nabiki nods. Ryouga leaves his backpack on the floor, and heads  
off in search of the john. Nabiki realizes she'll be waiting  
awhile, and pokes around the dojo for something to do.]  
  
[While Ryouga tests doors, looking for a head, Nabiki comes  
closer to the camera; we can see the dark circles under her eyes  
again, and how her body is shaking slightly from fatigue. She  
wanders, dazed, into the kitchen and fetches another Jolt,  
slamming it back.]  
  
[Ryouga ends up in a closet by accident.]  
  
[Nabiki notices something has fallen out of Ryouga's backpack.   
She moves to put it back, but notices the funny chinese  
writing... and distinct thunderbolt insignia. Her hyperactive  
mind sees the word 'Jolt' somehow.]  
  
NABIKI : Alright, Ryouga-chan! Good stuff! [She pops the top  
and drinks it back.]  
  
[Ryouga finds the laundry room.]  
  
[Nabiki smiles, as the caffeine revitalizes her. But something's  
wrong. That soda is giving a little bit TOO much kick. She  
twitches, and her arm vibrates; she drops the can, and clutches a  
chair for support...]  
  
[Ryouga discovers the attic.]  
  
[Time passes. Ryouga, having taken about twenty minutes to  
locate the bathroom, returns to the living room.]  
  
RYOUGA : You really need to reorganize this house, Nabiki. It's  
so huge and complex! I mean...  
  
[Ryouga notices Nabiki's eyelids are open, as is her mouth, which  
is fuzzing over with sugary purple foam.]  
  
RYOUGA : Oh no...  
  
[Scene of Ryouga, running through Nerima as fast as he possibly  
can, Nabiki slumped piggy back on his shoulders.]  
  
RYOUGA : I can't get lost... I can't get lost... Akane-san will  
hate me forever if she finds out what's happened!   
Nabiki might die! Nabiki-san... ARRGGHHH!!! IF ANY  
GODS ARE SMILING DOWN ON ME TONIGHT, HELP ME FIND DR.  
TOFU's!!!!  
  
[Skuld peeks down from her cloud, shrugs, and tosses Ryouga a  
Never-Fail Compass. He glances at it, confused, but follows it  
anyway.]  
  
[Inside, DOCTOR TOFU is poking at a delicate soup he's making on  
his lab's bunsen burner. It's late at night, he's a single guy,  
he's making ends meet foodwise with a little macaroni, cheese,  
ramen, Baco Bits, you name it. He dips a spoon in to taste  
it...]  
  
[Ryouga kicks in the door, and Tofu jerks his hand in surprise,  
spilling hot soup on it.]  
  
TOFU : YEEEEEEOWW!!  
  
RYOUGA : Doctor! Doctor! Help!  
  
[Tofu regains his composure, waves his hand around to air it out,  
and turns to face Ryouga. He blinks at Nabiki, who is clearly  
unconscious and on Ryouga's shoulders.]  
  
RYOUGA : She... she... I think she drank too much soda...  
  
TOFU : Oh, my. Alright. Get her on the bed and I'll examine  
her.  
  
[Ryouga gently hefts Nabiki onto a patient bed, and Tofu,  
clutching his now-swelling hand, gives Nabiki a visual once  
over.]  
  
TOFU : Hmmm. She's been using the hard stuff. If those  
aren't stains from 100% pure uncut Jolt, I'll sell my  
degree.  
  
RYOUGA : Do something! We've got to do something! It's a  
disaster!  
  
TOFU : I can keep her here overnight, observe and make sure  
she's okay while it passes...  
  
RYOUGA : ACK! No... if Akane-san found out...  
  
TOFU : Or we can wake her up with a pressure point, which will  
bring her out of this unnatural sleep.  
  
RYOUGA : Pressure point. Pressure point sounds good. Let's go  
with that.  
  
TOFU : Okay. The point is on her right breast, three inches  
down from the base.  
  
[There is a long pause.]  
  
RYOUGA : Well?  
  
TOFU : Well what?  
  
RYOUGA : Well, go ahead and poke it!  
  
TOFU : I would, but my hands seem to be in no condition for  
that... [holds up a few swollen, burned digits] You'll  
have to do it.  
  
RYOUGA : M-Me? But it's...  
  
TOFU : Glad she's asleep and won't see this happen...  
  
[Tofu takes a breath to calm himself and regain his professional  
composure, and pulls Nabiki's dress away from her right breast a  
bit. Ryouga's nose geysers red instantly.]  
  
RYOUGA : Nnnnhnhhhggg!  
  
TOFU : [passes Ryouga a hanky] I'll draw the spot with a  
marker, but YOU have to poke it. I can't. Ryouga,  
it's the only way to get her out of here tonight...  
  
RYOUGA : [holding the hanky to his nose, as Tofu draws the mark]   
Okbab... ughb... Akanbe-sabn, I'bm sorryb Ib gobba toub  
yur sisber thisb wayb...  
  
TOFU : There. Now, poke with forceful pressure to hit the  
nerve, but don't damage anything.  
  
[Ryouga pulls his hand back and extends one finger, trying to  
keep his eyes away from the target while hitting it... he pokes  
down--]  
  
[Nabiki flips out and scrambles away, screaming like a banshee.   
Tofu falls over in his chair, as does Ryouga in a two person face  
fault. Nabiki blinks, and recovers herself.]  
  
NABIKI : What happened?  
  
[Both boys are too stunned to reply, in Little Takahashi Devil  
Pose #41.]  
  
[Fade to a scene of Ryouga helping a worn out, tired Nabiki back  
to the steps of her family's dojo. She looks like she hasn't  
slept in a year; hardly the polished figure of socialite  
womanhood she was earlier.]  
  
NABIKI : Don't worry... Akane and Happousai won't hear about  
this.  
  
RYOUGA : Good. No need to panic anybody. And you go to sleep,  
okay? No more staying up. And DEFINITELY no soda  
before bedtime, young lady.  
  
NABIKI : [smiles] Arigatou, Ryouga-kun. Ugh. Bummer of a  
first date, though, huh?  
  
RYOUGA : Yeah.  
  
NABIKI : It'll go better next time, I promise.  
  
RYOUGA : Yeah. [not realizing what that statement implies... or  
maybe realizing it and not panicking...]  
  
NABIKI : So, this is... good night.  
  
RYOUGA : Good night, yeah.  
  
[Nabiki nods.]  
  
[Uncomfortable silence ensues. Eventually Ryouga breaks the  
deadlock by walking away. Nabiki slumps into her house. Fade  
out.]  
  
*  
  
[Scene fades into a typical Japanese home. A superdeformed Ranma  
is sitting on the ground, watching Speed Racer on the family's  
black and white TV...]  
  
NODOKA (Voiceover) : Raaanma-kun! Look what your mother  
bought you!  
  
RANMA : Hmmh?  
  
[NODOKA SAOTOME walks into frame, holding up a red chinese shirt,  
with yellow wooden ties down the front.]  
  
NODOKA : It's a little big, but you'll grow into it. I want you  
to wear this when you and your father go off on this...  
this... long training trip...  
  
RANMA : It's okay, mommy! I'll be back eventually!  
  
NODOKA : Hai... you will. This shirt's durable, it'll last  
through the years... I had to practically fight my way  
through the marketplace to get it. They're very much  
in fashion with the young boys these days. Promise  
your mother you'll keep it forever and ever?  
  
RANMA : Okay!  
  
[Crossfade to Ranma, now older, sleeping under a tree at  
Furinkan. He isn't wearing the red shirt his mother gave him,  
because it's too cold; he has a slightly thicker grey pullover  
on.]  
  
DAISUKE : [Running up the hill] Ranma! Ranma! Kunou's here!  
  
RANMA : Hrmpmh?  
  
DAISUKE : Well, you said to wake you up before the fight...  
  
RANMA : [pulls himself to his feet] Alright. Let's go.  
  
[Title card : THE LUCKY SHIRT]  
  
ANNOUNCER (voiceover) : Wow, that's the fastest fight we've seen  
to date here at Furinkan.  
  
[Ranma scrambles out of the school, running wildly. He does not  
look like he's broken a sweat over the fight; more like broken a  
sweat over getting AWAY from the fight.]  
  
ANNOUNCER (voiceover) : Ranma Saotome takes down the Blue  
Thunder of Furinkan high in less than  
two point one seconds! Truly a new  
record. Did he know that Kunou was out  
like a light when he left?  
  
ANNOUNCER #2 (voiceover): No, I don't think so.  
  
ANNOUNCER (voiceover) : How do you think this'll affect the  
local world of martial arts?  
  
[Ranma hops onto a bicycle, and mouths the word - go. It takes  
off like a bullet train.]  
  
ANNOUNCER #2 (voiceover): Not sure. I just hope nobody was  
betting on Kunou...  
  
[Meanwhile, back in the Kendo Club, TATEWAKI KUNOU is in Little  
Takahashi Devil Pose #98, with a wet cloth on his forehead.   
HAPPOUSAI is looking down at his body, frowning. Mousse is on  
hand.]  
  
MOUSSE : I can't believe he took your money, defied you and ran.   
That coward! He should pay!  
  
HAPPO. : I like your method of thinking, boy. He WILL pay. If  
my heir runs off to Seattle, I want someone there to  
pop out of his cappuchino and kick his head in. If he  
heads off to London, I want someone in one of those big  
furry hats on hand to jab him one in the keister with a  
bayonet. If he goes to Russia--  
  
MOUSSE : This is starting to sound like a job for Ryouga.  
  
HAPPO. : Nobody breaks his word on me and gets away with it.   
Nobody.  
  
[Meanwhile, SHAMPOO is racing in and around the trees behind  
Furinkan like a speeder bike in Jedi. Ranma hangs onto the back,  
but not onto her, until the ride comes to a full and complete  
stop.]  
  
SHAMPOO : We here!  
  
RANMA : [sighs] Phew. Thanks, Shampoo. I needed a fast  
getaway.  
  
SHAMPOO : You do great, ai len! Big bad Kunou was practically  
lunchmeat when you finish with him.  
  
RANMA : I hope he's not seriously hurt. I just wanted to get  
it over with quick, not kill him. Although the boy  
does deserve a few solid whacks...  
  
SHAMPOO : I stay with ai len and keep him safe if Happousai's  
baka friends come!  
  
RANMA : Uh, whoa... um... ^_^; Hey, I'm strong! I can handle  
it. You've got a shop to run, anyway.  
  
SHAMPOO : True. I go home! Gambatta ne, ai len!  
  
[Shampoo gives Ranma a huggle attack, and sprints off on her  
bike. Ranma finally exhales.]  
  
RANMA : Can't have her knowing who's out here...  
  
[AKANE TENDO pokes through the trees.]  
  
AKANE : You're back already? That was fast.  
  
RANMA : I had, uh, assistance. Do you have the camp set up?  
  
AKANE : Yeah. I don't see why *I* have to hide out, though.  
  
RANMA : This is Happousai. You never know what he might do,  
including kidnapping you as bait to get me back for  
revenge.  
  
AKANE : Hrm. Good point. I packed your stuff, like you asked.   
I hope we don't have to hide out too long, though.  
  
RANMA : [nods, rummaging through the bag] Don't worry, he'll  
get bored and leave me alone after awhile. Alright,  
comb, toothbrush, instant ramen... where's the instant  
ramen?  
  
AKANE : I figured I'd just cook for us, instead of relying on  
packaged food. It's healthier that way.  
  
RANMA : [groaning] You're working for him, aren't you? Trying  
to kill me with your food?  
  
AKANE : Grrr... baka no! Here I am trying to do you a favor,  
and you--  
  
RANMA : Akane, where's my shirt?  
  
AKANE : You're wearing it. Honestly, you just can't appreciate  
the effort it takes to cook--  
  
RANMA : No, no, I mean my favorite shirt. The one that's red,  
with yellow ties. My LUCKY shirt.  
  
AKANE : Did you ask me to pack it?  
  
RANMA : Of course!  
  
AKANE : Then I packed it. Keep looking.  
  
RANMA : I AM looking, and it ain't here!  
  
AKANE : Well, big deal. It's just a shirt.  
  
RANMA : It's NOT just a shirt! It's THE shirt! Of all the  
things I tell you to pack, you forget the ONE thing I  
didn't want to leave behind! You clumsy TOMBOY!  
  
[Akane slaps him one.]  
  
RANMA : [blinks] Akane... I... argh. Nevermind.  
  
AKANE : [blinks more] Huh?  
  
RANMA : I'll just get the shirt. It's important to me, Akane -  
- my mother gave me that shirt.  
  
AKANE : [dawning on her] Oh... but... what if Happy's waiting  
for you at home?  
  
RANMA : Hey, I can handle it.  
  
AKANE : Baka! He could have a trap there for you!  
  
RANMA : Then I defeat the trap. No big deal.  
  
AKANE : Hmph. Whatever. Just don't get mauled.  
  
[Ranma wanders off, setting off for the dojo on foot.]  
  
RANMA (Voiceover) : Clumsy, stupid, unsexy... the single thing I  
HAD to get out of there, in case this took  
awhile, and she forgets it. Baka.  
  
[Ranma continues wandering, hugging the darkness, trying not to  
be noticed.]  
  
RANMA (Voiceover) : Of course, *I*'m the one returning to the  
scene of the crime... which is far  
stupider... Happy'll be there, or some other  
guy he's got working for him. Great. Just  
great.  
  
[Ranma slips across the vacant lot next to the dojo, and creeps  
his way inside.]  
  
[The dojo is presumably quite empty. Everybody's either asleep  
or out for the night... some lights are on, though, which worries  
Ranma. He tip-toes inside, and creeps up the stairs, looking  
around every corner, like a space marine with a shotgun expecting  
an imp at every turn.]  
  
[He fails to find any thugs or even demonic nasties, though, and  
has a fairly uneventful trip up to his room. Edging around the  
snoring panda, he locates what he came for; his favorite red  
shirt, hanging on its well-polished hanger in the closet. He  
folds it up carefully and stores it in a gym bag.]  
  
[By now, Ranma has realized that no flaming white-hot death was  
raining down on him from the sky, and therefore Happousai must  
not know he's here or not care. All is cool. He drops the  
stealthy walk, and heads downstairs to get a midnight snack.]  
  
[Humming a tune to himself, he loads some Cheese Whiz into the  
microwave, figuring nachos would be good about now. He's about  
to grab the chips when he notices something on the counter.]  
  
[A red bamboo umbrella.]  
  
[Ranma blinks, and picks it up, wondering how it got here since  
Ryouga wasn't around... and then there is a flushing noise, and  
Ryouga steps out from around the corner, carrying a copy of  
FODOR'S GUIDE TO TRAVEL. Ryouga freezes, standing in the  
doorframe.]  
  
[Neither of them moves. Both look at each other, wondering  
what's going to happen next.]  
  
[Then the microwave dings. Ranma snaps, and whips around into a  
flurry of kicks and umbrella swipes, and Ryouga goes flying  
backwards into Little Takahashi Devil Pose #19.]  
  
[Ranma blinks, realizing what he just managed to do. He sets the  
umbrella down carefully, and tiptoes out of the house.]  
  
[He returns a minute later to get his nachos.]  
  
[Scene fade to Ranma, walking down the street, happy as a clam,  
munching on a small bowl of cheese-laced chips, gym bag slung  
over a shoulder. He's on top of the world, king of the heap.   
He's on his way... he's indestructible. Nobody can stop him.]  
  
[Then he turns the corner, and is face to... toe, really, with  
Happousai, heading home from his nightly panty raid.]  
  
[The two freeze, very similar to before.]  
  
HAPPO. : YOoooooouuu...  
  
[Ranma wastes no time, and kicks Happy into the sky, horfs down  
the rest of his nachos, tosses the bowl aside and runs like  
hell.]  
  
[Happy comes down, since gravity is still in effect in this area,  
bounces twice and starts limply chasing Ranma.]  
  
HAPPO. : GET BACK HERE, boy, and take what's coming to you! You  
ungrateful little punk!  
  
[Ranma races on, past the old lady whose sole job is to throw  
water out onto the street. Ranma-chan continues along.]  
  
[Happy lunges for Ranma-chan, Ranma-chan blocks, and the running  
melee wanders all over Tokyo. Eventually, Ranma ducks into a  
greenhouse on someone's property, closing the door behind him and  
hiding on one side of it.]  
  
[SASUKE, who was busy trimming the flowered petals off a bush of  
thorny roses, blinks.]  
  
SASUKE : Pi...Pig-tailed-girl?!  
  
[Ranma, mistakenly thinking he can hide behind a glass wall, gets  
attacked by Happousai, who simply punches through the glass and  
attacks. The two twist around, tangling, until they end up in a  
flower patch... and fall asleep, for some reason.]  
  
[Sasuke adjusts the SLEEPING POWDER DAISIES sign that was next to  
this patch, and taptaps his chin.]  
  
SASUKE : Now what do I do?  
  
[Fade to black, slow. Time passes. Fade in to a shot of Ranma-  
chan and Happousai... each has been tied to a chair. Happy is  
sitting on a stack of phonebooks so that he can be in frame AND  
tied to a chair. A jet of water (cold) splashes in from  
offscreen, waking both of them.]  
  
[Sasuke puts down the fire extinguisher.]  
  
SASUKE : Sorry, but nobody is allowed in the Sacred Grove except  
me or Mistress Kodachi.  
  
KODACHI (voiceover) : OHOOHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOO!!!!  
  
SASUKE : That's her.  
  
[Sasuke leaves up the stairs. Ranma-chan looks around, and  
sees... many unpleasant ironwrought things hanging on the wall,  
various torture implements, plenty of gymnastics equipment.   
They've been stored in Kodachi's combination basement dungeon and  
workout gymnasium. Ranma-chan and Happy look horrified; neither  
is too keen on continuing their old fight, both are quite keen on  
getting the hell out of here.]  
  
[KODACHI KUNOU bouncies down the stairs, clad in her school  
uniform, twirling a ribbon behind her. She leaps dramatically  
and lands on her toes before the two chairs, ribbon swirling.]  
  
KODACHI : OHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOOO! Violating my private greenhouse,  
were you? If it isn't that wicked little pig-tailed  
girl and the old letch who keeps terrorizing my  
school's locker room. What wonderful timing!  
  
SASUKE : [wandering down the stairs] The little old one was  
attacking the girl, Mistress.  
  
KODACHI : I noticed the bruises. Well, we can finish the job!   
It's so nice when my enemies just walk into my hands.   
Sasuke, bring out the Turtle.  
  
SASUKE : I think the Turtle's asleep, Mistress.  
  
KODACHI : OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! You'd better wake him up, then!  
  
[Sasuke sighs the sigh of the oppressed worker, and wanders into  
the back room. He opens a cage, grabs a leash and leads  
Kodachi's pet alligator out into the main room. It seems quite  
docile; it's used to Sasuke and hasn't nibbled on his limbs in  
years.]  
  
[Kodachi accepts the animal's leash, and pets it a bit, trying to  
think of an appropriate punishment for these two. Both look  
terrified.]  
  
SASUKE : Who first, Mistress Kodachi?  
  
KODACHI : All in good time, dear Sasuke. I hate to do this to a  
precious flower, but it's such a good way to make  
decisions...  
  
[Kodachi pulls out a red rose, stolen from her brother's  
collection. She begins plucking petals off, one by one,  
repeating...]  
  
KODACHI : The pig-tailed girl... the old letch... the pig-tailed  
girl... the old letch... the pig-tailed girl... the old  
letch...  
  
[Ranma-chan bounces, trying to break out of her chair, but it has  
been nailed to the floor. Happousai starts hoping Kodachi is  
planning something sexually deviant instead of your basic  
pounding.]  
  
KODACHI : The old letch... the pig-tailed girl... the old  
letch... the pig-tailed girl................... the old  
letch the pigtailed girl the old letch.  
  
[Happousai, denial entering his mind like an obnoxious salesmen,  
mmpphhs overjoyedlike into his gag.]  
  
[Sasuke nods, and drags Happy's chair into the back room.   
Kodachi laughs evilly, ties the alligator's leash to the wall,  
hops in after and shuts the door. She opens it to free her  
ribbon, which got caught, then closes it again. Sickly music box  
music starts up, as well as a 24-hour Kodachi Laugh-a-Thon and  
plenty of Happy Screams.]  
  
[By this time, Ranma-chan isn't even considering waiting around  
to see what happens. She pulls and pulls, and snaps free of the  
rope, the chair crumbling. The alligator panics, and starts  
growling in a warning manner, until Ranma-chan ties the rope that  
bound her around the 'gator's snout. Ranma-chan flees.]  
  
[But something stops her.]  
  
[Maybe it was the wild, insane screaming. Maybe it was the wild,  
insane laughter. Maybe she just couldn't stand to see a human go  
through this, even if Happy was dubiously human. Maybe she  
couldn't back down from a potential fight.]  
  
[Either way, something had to be done.]  
  
[Ranma-chan starts examining the racks of weapons. She grabs a  
few items which might be helpful, like a length of rope, a set of  
keys, a flask of oil. As for a weapon, she selects a gymnastics  
club, and heads to the door... then reconsiders. Instead, she  
picks a razor sharp ribbon, but that would be too risky; she  
weighs the merits of a few throwing knives, a wicked looking  
katana with holy sigils in the hilt, a large crossbow that looks  
more like a cross, a salad shooter, and finally her eyes rest on  
the mother of all weapons... a large, heavy wooden mallet, with a  
tiny tag reading 'STOLEN FROM THE CLOSET OF AKANE TENDO'.]  
  
[Ranma-chan takes the mallet in hand, making a few test swings,  
locking down its balance in her mind. She holds it in front of  
her, like a shield, and nudges the door open with her foot.]  
  
[Sasuke is on hand, guarding the door in a very poor manner (his  
back is to it). Off in an area of the room Ranma-chan can't see,  
Kodachi is laughing, Happy is yelling his bald little head off.]  
  
[Ranma-chan swings the mallet back. Sasuke only has enough time  
to panic before it comes down in a crushing blow, nailing him six  
inches into the floor. Ranma-chan executes a follow through  
swing to Sasuke's face, and he wobbles like a punching bag before  
fainting.]  
  
RANMA : HAPPOSAI! You okay?!  
  
[Finally, we can see the other part of the room... where the  
screaming has stopped, and Happousai and Kodachi are in a rough  
bed together, covers up, smoking a pipe and cigarette  
respectively.]  
  
HAPPO. : Oh, I'm quite okay, boy, thank you.  
  
KODACHI : You were magnificent, Happousai-sama. Mmmmm.  
  
HAPPO. : Ahh, it's been years since anybody's done that  
particular medieval maneuver! And such flexibility! I  
miss my glory days.  
  
[Ranma-chan falls over. Hard.]  
  
HAPPO. : Eh? Whassa matter, boy?  
  
RANMA : You... you and she... she and you... YOU!?!?  
  
HAPPO. : Hey, am I not human, with human urges?  
  
RANMA : [turning green at the mental image] I may be violently  
sick.  
  
HAPPO. : Hey, kid. Whaddya say we call it even? Why, without  
you, I'd never have met my dear 'Dachi-chan here. Of  
course, I'd recommend not showing your face around town  
for awhile, so it looks like I really did something.  
So, hey, keep the cash, have a fun time. I know I  
have!  
  
KODACHI : Thank you, sir, may I have another?  
  
HAPPO : Certainly! I'll get the pair of pliers and the  
blowtorch...  
  
[Ranma-chan runs out of the room, gasping for air, praying that  
she's just been in a nightmare. Of course, things could have  
been worse : she might have shown up to rescue him while they  
were still active...]  
  
[Ranma-chan stumbles out of the greenhouse above, and finds a  
black bicycle with rose trim. She blinks, and remembers the keys  
in her pocket that she found; she unlocks the bike, hops on, and  
rides away.]  
  
[Fade back to the makeshift camp, where Akane is waiting.]  
  
AKANE : There you are. Did you get your lousy shirt?  
  
RANMA : No time to explain. Hop on the handlebars.  
  
AKANE : Where'd you get this bike?  
  
RANMA : It doesn't matter! We gotta go NOW. I am so utterly  
creeped out that I feel the need to pedal far, far from  
here, and FAST.  
  
AKANE : What about Happousai?  
  
RANMA : Happy's... occupied, Akane. Quite occupied.  
  
[With that, Akane hops on the handlebars, and Ranma-chan pedals  
like the wind, the eerie strains of 'The Twilight Zone' floating  
in the wind with them...]  
  
*  
  
[Title Card : THE UCCHAN SITUATION]  
  
[Scene... DAISUKE, sitting in a bathroom. He's sweating  
profusely, and quite panicked. He's also fingering something...  
which looks like a small ring...]  
  
MOUSSE (Voiceover) : Have you ever read 'The Book of Chinese  
Amazon Law', Hikaru? It's a great read,  
if you know the language. Let me  
translate a quick passage for you,  
Conditioner 25:17... "The path of the  
strong Amazon is blocked on all sides by  
those weaker, hoping to destroy your  
virtue, spirit and body..."  
  
[Daisuke wipes the sweat off his forehead, and tries to figure  
out what to do. He slips the ring on...]  
  
MOUSSE (Voiceover) : "Blessed is the Amazon that can overcome  
these adversaries for others who cannot,  
and we shall strike down with no mercy  
upon those who would attack those who  
cannot attack back... and you will KNOW  
we are Amazons, when we lay our  
vengeance upon thee..."  
  
GOSUN. (Voiceover) : AAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHH!!!  
  
[Daisuke covers his ears, as the two boys have at Gosunkugi in a  
highly painful way... ending with a thud, indicating Gos was on  
the floor and out for the count. Daisuke gets ready...]  
  
RYOUGA (Voiceover) : A watermelon?  
  
MOUSSE (Voiceover) : Sorry. I ran out of one-liners.  
  
[With that, Daisuke kicks the door open, and points the ring on  
his finger at the two teenaged thugs.]  
  
DAISUKE : SHINE SHINE SHIIIINEEEE!  
  
[Six small tongues of fire leap off the ring, as if by magic  
(which it was). Ryouga and Mousse freeze, as the bolts of flame  
reach them...]  
  
[Nothing happens.]  
  
DAISUKE : [blinks] But...  
  
[Ryouga and Mousse come down on Daisuke like the descent of man.   
Daisuke goes down easily. Ryouga disarms him by pulling the ring  
off his finger, while Mousse examines the still somewhat flaming  
round holes in the wall behind them.]  
  
MOUSSE : What on earth...  
  
RYOUGA : I think it's one of the magical rings in Happy's bundle  
of goodies. I guess Hikaru cracked it open and re-  
bundled it earlier...  
  
MOUSSE : I don't believe it... look at the size of these holes!  
  
RYOUGA : Yeah. Man, we're lucky.  
  
MOUSSE : Lucky? LUCKY? We should be DEAD right now!  
  
RYOUGA : Good thing we aren't, then. Can we get this bundle to  
Happy now, before anything else explodes?  
  
MOUSSE : Whoa, wait. Say it. SAY this was a miracle.  
  
RYOUGA : 'scuze?  
  
MOUSSE : Look, back in the village of the Amazons, we know a  
miracle when we see one. Hell, my mom claims that my  
continued survival without walking into whirling,  
unshielded manufacturing equipment is a miracle. And  
Ryouga, this IS a miracle.  
  
RYOUGA : Uh-huh. Right.  
  
MOUSSE : This was a miracle, and I want you to acknowledge it!!  
  
RYOUGA : Eeesh! Okay, okay, it was a miracle. Can we go now?  
  
[Scene cuts to the two walking down the street. Mousse has the  
bundled package they retrieved from Gosunkugi on his back.]  
  
RYOUGA : ...look, these things happen. You ever see America's  
Funniest Home Videos?  
  
MOUSSE : You're the one who went stateside, not me.  
  
RYOUGA : Well, I saw this one where someone was cooking at a  
grill, and the cap came off the lighter fluid bottle  
while he was pouring it in. Whoosh, a fireball that  
rivals some of my better Shishi's. Guy didn't get so  
much as singed and he was standing right over it.  
  
MOUSSE : Probably was a miracle.  
  
RYOUGA : Would you get OFF the miracle kick already?! It's  
getting on my nerves.  
  
MOUSSE : Alright, alright. But I do know one thing; that's it.   
I'm not doing favors for the old letch anymore.  
  
RYOUGA : [laughs] Wow, that'll go over well with him.  
  
MOUSSE : I mean it, Ryouga. That's the end. I don't NEED his  
help to win Shampoo's heart; if today taught me  
anything, it's that I'm blessed. Maybe even blessed to  
win her love.  
  
RYOUGA : You're nuts. They have a word for people like you, and  
I'll give you a hint; it starts with N.  
  
MOUSSE : Nuts I may be, but at least I feel right about this.   
If I'm making a mistake, oh well. It's the initial  
thought that counts. Hey, you want to eat here for  
breakfast?  
  
[The boys pause, outside a restaurant labelled UCCHAN'S.]  
  
RYOUGA : I'm not sure it's open... it's still pretty early.  
  
MOUSSE : Ukyou's inside, cleaning up. HEY, UKYOU! You open?  
  
UKYOU (Voiceover) : You're talking to my curtains, Mousse.  
  
MOUSSE : Eh? [lowers glasses; viewpoint focuses slowly on UKYOU  
KUONJI.] Oh. Well, um, are you open?  
  
UKYOU : Not yet, getting ready for the day crowd. But hey,  
come on in, you can have first order.  
  
MOUSSE : Arigato.  
  
[The two boys head inside, and take a booth seat. Ryouga sets  
the bundle down on the table between them.]  
  
RYOUGA : Well, you think whatever you want. Either way, I'm  
glad we're still alive.  
  
MOUSSE : Yeah. You'd be a hot dog right now if they got away  
with it.  
  
RYOUGA : [grumbles...] Look. Mousse. Just because you found  
out about my curse by accident last week does not  
entitle you to speak about it so freely. Shut it.  
  
MOUSSE : It's TRUE, Ryouga. You'd be crispy pork rinds right  
now if not for Kami's intervention.  
  
RYOUGA : Mousse... [growling]  
  
MOUSSE : Sunny side up bacon and eggs, we'd be.  
  
RYOUGA : I SAID, shut up!  
  
[Ukyou shrugs at the boys, and continues to tidy up. The  
restaurant looks nice and clean, ready for business.]  
  
MOUSSE : Ham sandwich with charred bread, roasted alive by that  
stupid kid...  
  
RYOUGA : [starting to glow yellow, faintly] SHUT UP!  
  
MOUSSE : NOT until you recognize this miracle, porky!  
  
RYOUGA : I... will... NOT... TAKE THIS! AHRHHGHHHH!!!  
SHISHIHOKODAN!!!!  
  
[Mousse realizes he MAAAY have pushed it too far, and hops out of  
the way. Ryouga's ki blast is absorbed by Happousai's fabric-  
bundled sack...]  
  
RYOUGA : Erk...  
  
[In a BLINDING WHITE FLASH OF LIGHT, the sack implodes, and  
explodes, sending white hot unidentifiable things in all  
directions like a star in supernova. There are a number of  
unusual wet SPLUTs.]  
  
MOUSSE : You moron, now I can't see anything!  
  
RYOUGA : You were blind before too, BAKA!  
  
UKYOU : WHAT did you boys do?!!?  
  
[Their eyes clear... to view a restaurant, slightly different.   
First of all, there's the underwear. Hundreds and hundreds of  
panties and bras, supercompressed into the bag's space, have  
escaped; and are stuck to the walls, the table, the chairs,  
Ukyou, Ryouga, and Mousse.]  
  
UKYOU : AAUUUUGUGHHHH!! What was IN that bag?!  
  
MOUSSE : A few magical artifacts... some Happodaikarins...  
some... uh, Industrial Strength Crazy Glue... and, of  
course, lots of underwear.  
  
RYOUGA : We were supposed to be delivering it to him... oops.  
  
UKYOU : OOPS? OOPS?! My restaurant looks like Victoria's  
Secret dipped in tar and you go OOPS?!!?  
  
RYOUGA : Eh heh heh... umm. Ooops.  
  
UKYOU : [stomping up to Ryouga, looking like a rather enraged  
chef wearing five panties too many] You won't be going  
'oops' when I serve up your tongue on an okonomiyaki!  
  
MOUSSE : Whoa. Let's keep our heads and be civil, okay?  
  
UKYOU : Civil?! I have to open in an hour and half! If all  
this stuff is still on the walls by then, I may have to  
consider seppuku!  
  
RYOUGA : Ukyou-san, no!  
  
UKYOU : I didn't say *I* would be doing it.  
  
[Mousse and Ryouga gulp.]  
  
MOUSSE : Umm... okay. Clean it up in an hour and a half. Fine.   
Consider it done.  
  
RYOUGA : Nani?!  
  
MOUSSE : [grinning] I have a plan.  
  
[Cut to Mousse on the phone.]  
  
MOUSSE : We NEED a plan!  
  
[Cut to Happousai, talking on the dojo's phone, while Kasumi  
prepares breakfast. Cuts are interchanged as they talk.]  
  
HAPPO. : Hmmm. Bit of a 'sticky' situation! Ha ha!  
  
MOUSSE : Ha ha, yes, funny, sensei. Look, we need assistance  
here. And any help you could offer would be, umm...  
very helpful.  
  
HAPPO. : Welllll, you boys DID destroy the package you were  
supposed to be delivering to me... that's not good.   
Maybe I should just let you stew awhile...  
  
MOUSSE : Uhhh... if... how about if Ryouga volunteers a favor  
for free? No charge!  
  
HAPPO. : Wow. He'd do that?  
  
MOUSSE : Sure! I'll tell him later that he did. Now, please,  
say you'll send someone!  
  
HAPPO. : You'll send someone.  
  
MOUSSE : I mean YOU!  
  
HAPPO. : [laughs] Mousse-kun. Please, try to remain calm.   
I'll send the Crone around right away.  
  
MOUSSE : [blinks, looks relieved] The Crone? Alright! Thank  
you, sensei. That's all you had to say.  
  
[Cut to a scene of a ramen restaurant... Shampoo is dashing  
around taking orders in the background. We can see a withered  
hand on the phone.]  
  
COLOGNE : Yes... yes... what level of hysteria are we talking  
about? Alright. Yes. Good. Crazy glue? Hmmm...  
alright. Good. Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes.  
  
[Cut to outside Ucchan's. Title overlay reads 9 1/2 MINUTES  
LATER. A cane pogos against the street, and lands in Ucchan's,  
standing up... COLOGNE is atop it, looking around.]  
  
COLOGNE : This is Ucchan's, yes? That rival restaurant?  
  
UKYOU : [noticing Cologne] Whaddya want, you old crone?  
  
COLOGNE : [laughs] Calm yourself, child. I'm here to help you.   
Little favor for Happy-kun.  
  
[Ryouga approaches Cologne with some sense of dignity.]  
  
RYOUGA : Thanks for coming, obasan... we're in a bit of a--  
  
[Mousse dives forward like he's stealing third, and bows down  
before Cologne, kissing the ground before her.]  
  
MOUSSE : PLEASE, PLEASE, obasan!!! We need you!  
  
[Ryouga looks embarrassed; Ukyou just laughs. Cologne smiles.]  
  
COLOGNE : Alright. If I recall, we're operating on a bit of a  
time constraint here. Ukyou, I've brought with me a  
recipe for glue thinner; I re-tooled it to work with  
ingredients found in an okonomiyaki restaurant. If you  
could go into the back and whip up about three liters  
of it, please?  
  
UKYOU : Hai! ^_^  
  
COLOGNE : Mousse, you're on spatula detail. Borrow the large  
combat spatula from Ukyou when she finishes cooking the  
thinner, douse the edge up to a single inch of the  
metal and start scraping. Don't take any wallpaper off  
with it or we'll have to worry about repainting.  
  
MOUSSE : HAI!  
  
COLOGNE : Ryouga, you're on broom detail. There's lots of torn  
fabric that wasn't glued down; sweep it up into a  
plastic bag and we'll take it with us later, so no nosy  
customers see panties in the trash receptacles. Now,  
everybody get to work.  
  
RYOUGA : [muttering to himself] A 'please' would be nice...  
  
COLOGNE : [pauses in mid pogo] Hmmm?  
  
RYOUGA : Well, just saying that a little politeness would--  
  
COLOGNE : Boy, I'm here for one reason and one reason only, and  
that's to get this mess safely out of here before Ukyou  
is forced to do something unpleasant to you for ruining  
her business. Now. If you have any martial artist's  
respect for life, then you'll respect your own and get  
to work. So, pretty please. With okonomiyaki sauce on  
top. Clean the restaurant.  
  
[Time passes. Ukyou continues to cook up glue solvent, while  
Ryouga does the light work of cleaning up anything not glued  
down. Mousse is seething with anger, and attacking the glued-up  
panties with the large spatula.]  
  
RYOUGA : I can't believe we're in this mess.  
  
MOUSSE : I'm not the one who blew my top and pasted the place  
with panties! I'm never gonna forgive you for that,  
Ryouga Hibiki. This is the most disgusting work I've  
ever done, and that includes the time Shampoo made me  
clean the oven grease out with my tongue.  
  
RYOUGA : If YOU hadn't been ranting and babbling about that  
Chinese nonsense, we wouldn't be IN this mess!  
  
MOUSSE : It's YOUR trigger happy self that caused Panty  
Armageddon!  
  
RYOUGA : [pauses] Mousse, shut up. Now. I've got a certain  
level of anger I can get to before I have to do some  
damage, and you're reaching it, pal.  
  
MOUSSE : You're angry? YOU'RE angry? I'm the one who's dealing  
with sticky silkies! Jeez, you're the one who should  
be up here scraping 'em off, not me!  
  
[Eventually, the restaurant is cleaned up, and the few remaining  
glue stains have been scrubbed to the point of nonexistence. All  
that remains are...]  
  
COLOGNE : Okay, strip.  
  
RYOUGA : N...NANI?  
  
COLOGNE : If I recall, all three of you are covered in underwear,  
right? Well, we don't have enough thinner left to  
clean you and your clothes. So strip and we'll get  
your bodies panty-free and get you a change of clothes.  
  
UKYOU : If you don't mind, I'll just go change and clean off  
the underwear from my skin myself. In the bathroom.  
  
[Ukyou wanders off, leaving the boys alone with Cologne.]  
  
[Ryouga and Mousse check to make sure nobody can see into this  
part of the kitchen from the street, then grumble as they take  
off all outer layers of clothing. They stand, rather  
embarrassed, in underwear alone.]  
  
MOUSSE : What about all my weapons?  
  
COLOGNE : I'll take them back to Nekohanten with me. Now hold  
still.  
  
[Cologne leaps up, and splashes a bucket of the thinner over  
them, which is fortunately warm. The panties slip right off.   
She passes them towels, and they mop up.]  
  
[Ukyou wanders downstairs, dressed in a different, panty-free  
outfit. She whistles.]  
  
UKYOU : WHOOOO! Chippendales revue!  
  
RYOUGA : GAHCK! [scrunches up] CLOTHES! CLOTHES!  
  
[Ukyou tosses them a few suits from her transvestite  
collection... somewhat feminine, but strangely androgynous.   
Ryouga frowns at the tights, but puts them on anyway.]  
  
COLOGNE : I like the new look. It's very Euro. Well, looks like  
that'll do it. The place, and you, are now underwear  
free. I'll bring the trash back to my place to be  
burned. Ukyou, you owe Shampoo a free okonomiyaki  
dinner for this.  
  
UKYOU : [resignedly] Hai.  
  
COLOGNE : Pleasure working with you, boys! Call again soon!  
  
[With that, Cologne pogos out and away. Ryouga and Mousse sigh,  
the fighting urge beaten out of them by hard labor.]  
  
MOUSSE : I'm glad that's over.  
  
RYOUGA : Ditto. Hmmm. Ukyou-san, can we still eat here? I'm  
starving.  
  
UKYOU : WELL... you two DID cause the mess... but you fixed it.   
So, okay. Have a seat and I'll open the restaurant.  
  
*  
  
[Later. The restaurant has filled up a bit; the morning crowd is  
in, getting nourished. Ryouga and Mousse have taken a booth in  
the corner, hoping not to be seen, since their clothes are very  
avant garde and they're still suffering secondary embarrassment.   
Ukyou walks up to take their order.]  
  
RYOUGA : No pork.  
  
MOUSSE : No eggs.  
  
UKYOU : That rules out most of my breakfast okonomiyakis, guys.  
  
RYOUGA : Two plains, then.  
  
[Ukyou nods, and leaves to cook up their order.]  
  
MOUSSE : Tell me why we do it, Ryouga.  
  
RYOUGA : Do what?  
  
MOUSSE : Work for the old letch. Do his dirty work.  
  
RYOUGA : Because he promised to help out our love lives, that's  
why. You know the drill. You know what the stuff in  
that bundle could have done, if I didn't fry it. Lots  
of cool magical goods.  
  
MOUSSE : But if he has all that power, why not just help us?  
  
RYOUGA : The man doesn't work that way. He's very capitalistic,  
just ask Nabiki.  
  
MOUSSE : [sighs] No. I'm sick of putting up with waiting for  
him to help us. I feel like a goon in a cheap gangster  
movie.  
  
RYOUGA : So you really are leaving the force-of-sorts over a  
miracle, huh?  
  
MOUSSE : Whether it was a true miracle or not, it kicked me off  
thinking about why I do this. That's a miracle in  
itself. As of today, I fold. Out of the game.  
  
RYOUGA : He won't be happy...  
  
MOUSSE : He'll have to accept it. You coming too?  
  
RYOUGA : Who, me? No... I'm going to ride it out for a week or  
two more, see if he delivers. Then, maybe.  
  
MOUSSE : I can do some personal research and try to get us some  
chinese mystic agent that does the same thing. It  
would beat paying Happy in service.  
  
RYOUGA : Good. You do that. Me, I'm headed to the bathroom.  
  
[Ryouga gets up, and heads out. Ukyou returns with the  
okonomiyaki, and Mousse pokes at his, too introspective to really  
eat. His thoughts are quiet, and inwardly aimed; he's in no mood  
to deal with interruptions.]  
  
MIKADO : [hops up onto his seat] Alright, everybody be cool,  
this is a challenge!  
  
AZUSA : Any martial artists in here try to make a break for it  
without facing us, and I'll get really unhappy!!!  
  
[Mousse groans. Murphy's law in action.]  
  
[The patrons stare oddly at Mikado and Azusa, who they know are  
fighters; several of them pelt the pair with wallets, mistaking  
this for a heist. Azusa names several. Mikado wanders around,  
looking for strong guys.]  
  
MIKADO : You! Are you a martial artist?  
  
INNOCENT BYSTANDER : Uh... no?  
  
AZUSA : Wow, kawaii Martine has so many little plastic cards in  
her!  
  
[Mikado works his way around the room, eventually coming up to  
the kitchen.]  
  
MIKADO : Hey, waitress! Are you a martial artist?  
  
[Ukyou glares back at him with a stare that could melt lead.]  
  
UKYOU : Yes. And you're bugging my customers.  
  
MIKADO : Alright! The Golden Pair, king and queen of the ice,  
hereby challenge--  
  
MOUSSE : Ahem.  
  
MIKADO : [turns to face Mousse] Hai?  
  
MOUSSE : Leave the girl alone. I'm a martial artist too.  
  
[Mikado grins, and stupidly steps up to face Mousse and try  
intimidation. This doesn't work, since one of the few weapons  
Mousse salvaged from his old suit is now at Mikado's throat; a  
wicked looking thing with six curved blades.]  
  
AZUSA : SAN-CHAN! You let go of San-chan right now, you  
meanie!!!  
  
MOUSSE : Whoa, whoa. Everybody calm down. Pretty Boy Floyd  
here and I are just going to have a talk. That's all.  
  
MIKADO : [sweating] Uh... hai. Stay back, Azusa. It's cool.  
  
MOUSSE : Now, I'd suggest you have a seat. Go on. Slowly.  
  
[Mikado slowly sits down at the booth, the long... sword? Mousse  
is holding out casually still aimed at his throat. He swallows  
hard.]  
  
AZUSA : If you hurt him, you meanie, I'll hurt you!  
  
MOUSSE : I'm aware of that. I don't think anybody here feels  
like going to the laceration ward. So, we're all going  
to be cool, and talk. Okay?  
  
MIKADO : H... Hai...  
  
[Azusa bites her lip, but does nothing.]  
  
MOUSSE : Good. Glad to hear it. Now, any other day, I'd be  
happy to challenge you, give you the righteous beating  
you deserve for messing with Ukyou-san's business and  
send you on your way. You're fortunate to catch me in  
an introspective moment.  
  
RYOUGA (Voiceover) : Mousse, what the hell is going on!?  
  
[Mousse's head spins (but not his arm) to see Ryouga with his  
umbrella drawn, ready to strike at Azusa.]  
  
AZUSA : KYAAAAA!!!  
  
MOUSSE : Ryouga, stay back! The situation is in hand. Nobody  
hits anybody. Got it?  
  
RYOUGA : What's going on, Mousse?  
  
MOUSSE : Everything is in hand, like I said. Now. Mikado,  
isn't it?  
  
MIKADO : Yeah...  
  
MOUSSE : Good. Mikado, let me explain why you're going to walk  
out of here without a scratch. Have you ever read  
the... well, no, nobody in Japan has. But if you ever  
get a chance to read 'The Book of Chinese Amazon Law',  
check out a particular passage... Conditioner 25:17.  
"The path of the strong Amazon is blocked on all sides  
by those weaker, hoping to destroy your virtue, spirit  
and body. Blessed is the Amazon that can overcome  
these adversaries for others who cannot, and we shall  
strike down with no mercy upon those who would attack  
those who cannot attack back... and you will KNOW we  
are Amazons, when we lay our vengeance upon thee."  
  
[Mikado considers nodding, but decides against it.]  
  
MOUSSE : Now, I figured this was just a really neat thing to say  
to your opponent before you trash them, to be nice and  
dramatic. But lately, I've been wondering what that  
means. It COULD mean I'm the strong Amazon, and you're  
the weaker ones, trying to stop me from achieving my  
life's goals. Which would mean you'd be hamburger meat  
right now. Or, it could mean that I'm the strong  
Amazon, and you're the virtue, the spirit and the  
body... and... um...  
  
RYOUGA : Is there a point to this metaphor, Mousse?  
  
MOUSSE : I am GETTING to that, Ryouga. My point is that right  
now, I don't think beating the tar out of you is going  
to improve my life any right now. I'm trying, Mikado.   
I'm trying to do the right thing. Now, you and your  
partner here, get moving. S'cool. Just go.  
  
[Mikado, without a word, slips out of the booth. Azusa, too  
terrified to do anything more than follow, follows. The two  
leave the restaurant, and the gazes of the stunned crowd follow.]  
  
[Mousse takes another bite of his okonomiyaki, and frowns in  
distaste. It's cold. Ryouga holsters his umbrella.]  
  
RYOUGA : I think we'd better get going.  
  
MOUSSE : Hai.  
  
[With that, two bad dudes, clad in somewhat fancy outfits, still  
hungry, headed out without saying a word.]  
  
THE END  
  
Gaithersburg, MD  
Jan. 3rd, 1995  
 


End file.
